


Life is a Broken Winged Bird That Cannot Fly

by clex_monkie89



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-07
Updated: 2010-06-07
Packaged: 2017-10-21 21:35:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clex_monkie89/pseuds/clex_monkie89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A small Sam POV coda to Swan Song.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is a Broken Winged Bird That Cannot Fly

Sam knows that today is Tuesday ( _it's not, it's Thursday_ ), and he knows it's May ( _it's not that, either; it's June, but he's only off by a day and a half_ ).

He doesn't remember how long he's been back ( _almost three weeks_ ) or exactly where he is ( _a small patch of road near Lisa Braeden's new house that pretends it's a town when people come through it to get gas_ ).

Sam doesn't remember how he got out ( _he doesn't remember that he's never known, that no one told him that God Himself, speaking through Joshua, sent Castiel on another Winchester Fishing Expedition_ ) or if he knows how his brothers are doing ( _Dean is two and a half days sober—Lisa still has a soft spot for broken boys just as big as she's always had—and Adam is seven and a half now and in Georgia, swinging on a playground with his mommy; he's going to win a jumping contest, and then they're going for ice cream_ ).

He knows he's missing bits and pieces ( _chunks and chunks and time and memories and occasionally basic motor functions_ ), but he isn't sure if he doesn't remember why or doesn't know ( _he doesn't know, and he doesn't remember; archangels sink in deep and get comfortable, wind through and dig hooks into your personality, and they can't help but _pull_ when they leave_ ).

Sam knows he isn't good with time ( _he tries to get bagels at midnight and never, ever pays the motel rent before checkout, but the manager's daughter has Down Syndrome, so he doesn't kick Sam out when he continues to pay in the afternoon, and he makes sure graveyard knows about the plate of food for the tall boy who has to look at his key to remember which way to go_ ), and he has minor aphasia ( _and it feels weird to him to know that it's called aphasia but not be able to name the brown stuff he drinks in the morning_ ).

He has good days where he only gets lost a few times ( _he can still navigate fine and has an amazing sense of direction; he just doesn't always remember where it is he's supposed to be going until after he's missed it_ ) and mostly passes for a normal ( _albeit tired and flighty_ ) person.

Sam's bad days are bad ( _they start small and snowball—shoes on the wrong feet that irritate him and make him angry, which makes him forget to shave or miss spots which leads to him not eating all day because he can't remember what he should be doing and is so frustrated with himself that he can't stop and breathe for a second and let it pass_ ).

He gets lightheaded for no reason sometimes ( _he has a punctured ear drum, but he doesn't remember the banshee from when he was fifteen, so he doesn't remember what it feels like_ ), and he can't tell if that has to do with the way electronics sometimes explode around him now or how he can get the remote from the dresser without having to get up ( _it doesn't, but it _does_ have to do with all those pieces Sam got yanked out of him when Lucifer left because one of those pieces was the lock on that box where Sam kept all the things that scared his big brother_ ).

Sam doesn't remember if he's told Dean he's back ( _he hasn't_ ), but he figures it doesn't matter because Dean probably knows already, the way Dean has always known where Sam was at any given time ( _he doesn't, and he begs and prays to a God he wants to kill that Lucifer kept Sam for a suit so Sam wouldn't end up on any racks_ ).

He sometimes isn't sure if he's really out of Hell ( _he is_ ) because he thinks that maybe this is God's final punishment to him for being born and kick-starting the end ( _he spent so long trying to make his family see that he was an adult and could take care of himself, and now, three days out of four, he can't dress himself correctly on the first try_ ).

Sam cuts the tags out of all of his shirts ( _so they don't stick out when he puts them on backwards or inside out_ ) and starts wearing his button-downs unbuttoned ( _he can't line them up straight anymore; it always looks right to him until he starts getting stares_ ).

He wakes up most days wishing for his big brother ( _he always misses him; it's a constant ache, like an exposed nerve on a tooth_ ) and goes to bed nearly every night thinking Dean is better off without him ( _he isn't_ ).


End file.
